Episode 188 with Amber Trueblood
Eat Well, Sleep Well, Connect with Others
SHOW NOTES:
Explore the mindset of different personality types and their struggles with anxiety and frustration. Amber shares valuable insights on how to find fulfillment in the journey itself, rather than fixating on an all-or-nothing destination.
Discover your inner archetype, whether you're a Fighter, Lover, Executive, Visionary, or Dynamo, and how each type navigates challenges and seeks fulfillment. Amber sheds light on the power of focus and intention in shaping the world around us.
Order Amber's Book "The Unflustered Mom" here >> https://amzn.to/3EtLAlk
DONATE HERE:
Your donations play an integral part in keeping The 1000 Hours Outside Podcast running. We appreciate your support!
RELATED EPISODES:
1KHO 123: The Cost of Preserving Childhood | Jessica Smartt, Let Them Be Kids
1KHO 60: We Have Forgotten How to Have an Ordinary Time | Pam Lobley, Why Can't We Just Play
SHOW TRANSCRIPT:
188 AMBER TRUEBLOOD
Ginny Yurich All right, here we go. There we go. You sound great. All right. Welcome to the 1000 Hours Outside podcast. My name is Ginny Yurich. I'm the founder of 1000 Hours Outside, and I'm so excited to have a new friend here with me today. Amber Trueblood, welcome.
Amber Trueblood Hi, Ginny. Thanks for having me. This has already been fun. Even before we were recording. So y'all just hold on. It's going to be a good.
Ginny Yurich 10 minutes of fun. We were talking about how we have these pretty calm, nice looking backdrops, But if you drop the camera like, four feet, I'm like, There is all sorts of random stuff at my feet. And I was trying to figure out, how did I even get here? I told Amber, there's a paper on my floor that has a crossword puzzle on it. I'm like, I don't. There's a gnome. There's actually three gnomes. There's three gnomes.
Ginny Yurich I don't.
Amber Trueblood Know that you have gnomes in your office.
Ginny Yurich Is hilarious. Oh, my gosh.
Ginny Yurich And they're on the floor. So I do have also a thing of cleaning wipes. So the thought is there. So there's all sorts of things in there. Well, Amber is the author of a brand new book called The Unflustered Mom. So that's a really intriguing how understanding the Five Anxiety styles transforms the way we parent, partner, live and love. Also, an MBA, MFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, bestselling author, speaker, mom of four boys. So there's going to be a lot of people that relate to that. And you talk about motherhood and dealing with our anxiety. But this is your second book.
Amber Trueblood It is, yes.
Ginny Yurich You also have a book called Stretch Marks, which is a great title, a self-development tool for mothers who are being stretched in every direction. And you've just been everywhere. You've been in the Oprah magazine, Good Housekeeping, been on TV, all sorts of things. And you have a cat named Andy.
Amber Trueblood Yes. Short for Andromeda.
Ginny Yurich Oh, that's great. Okay, that's great. So, okay, so.
Ginny Yurich Tell us how you ended up in this spot where you are talking to flustered parents.
Amber Trueblood Well, mostly because I am one was one will probably be one sporadically throughout my life. And I love learning. I love you know, I don't love the word self-growth, but I love you know, I love growing and learning and becoming the best version of myself and finding experts that I resonate with and learning from them. And I tend to gravitate toward books mostly because I like writing process. I love words. I love talking clearly as well. So, you know, and when I got my license as a therapist, you know, the underlying foundation, the impetus for that was to help as many people as possible. But I didn't know what that was going to look like, like what area, you know, I kind of gravitated toward autism. Like there were a bunch of areas that fascinated me that I wanted to help with. And then all of a sudden, I was a mom with four small children, kind of stare, stab at they're all about five years, two months apart. And so then all of a sudden I was in the weeds and I was just looking out for me. I was like, I need some tools, I need some help, I need some support, I need some connection, I need some inspiration, I want all of this. And, you know, honestly, I struggled to find it. I really, really struggled. And so I pieced together things that helped me. And when I kind of was coming out of that early stage, you know, the fluster kind of changes from one, right? When you have like really little kids, it's like, I'm not sleeping enough, I'm not eating right. I feel totally isolated from other adult humans. Like it's a different kind of I call like you more fundamental needs, your more fundamental physiological needs. Like you got to start there because it's easy to talk about like, oh, I want to meditate and I want to like, grow and I want to evolve and I want to like, expand myself. But if you're.
Ginny Yurich Not sleeping.
Amber Trueblood And you're only eating like leftover chicken, you know, dinosaur soup chicken that's already had 12 bites out of it like it's 3 hours old, if that's where you're at, you have different needs that need to be met first, Right? And let's be kind to ourselves about that. So anyway, you know, fast forward like ten years. I finally like it came together and I thought, oh, okay, this like really deep desire I have to support other people, period, to help impact their lives in a positive way together with my personal experience of like what has helped me and my love of learning and my love of like, books and writing. What if what if I use all of this and put it together in a way that can reach other moms that are looking for solutions that are really individualized to them? So I think that two things that differentiate me is like I read a lot of books that are like, Well, you just told a great story and that's awesome and I love that you found the solutions for you. But like, I don't want to do that like, like Wild, like some of these books where, like, okay, she like, threw everything out the window and went on this like, amazing hike through the PCT and like almost died the Pacific Coast trail that's what it's called right. Okay.
Ginny Yurich Lost all her toenails like.
Amber Trueblood Amazing story. I don't want to do that. Maybe in like 20 years I'll want to do something like that. Probably not. But, you know, it was an entertaining story, but it didn't apply to my life or my lifestyle or my values or my priorities or this kind of or my family dynamics. So I was like, how do I share tools and teach people like, Hey, take what you need from this? And here, like, I want you to learn your motivational style and then do that. I want you to learn how you best implement new habits and do that. And here are samples and like suggestions, and I want you to learn your anxiety style and then learn how to communicate from that and let go of some of the self-doubt and self judgment, right? So I think like the way I like to help moms is two things like helping really individualize it and then also make it as practical as possible.
Ginny Yurich Sure. Because you can.
Amber Trueblood Learn everything, like I would say, like you could give me every ingredient, like that's like the healthiest, most amazing food. And that like cookbooks, like people will tell me like, oh my gosh, it's so simple, this recipe. And I'll be like, I don't care. You don't seem to understand. I don't want to cook. I don't want to cook Well, because then I'll have to do it more. I don't enjoy it and I don't want to do it. And I specifically don't want to be good at it. Like, can I tell you how many times I've burnt rice because I refuse to measure it? And then I like walk away from the pan and I don't care and I don't want to get good at it. So like.
Ginny Yurich Okay, so you're going to have to you're going to fill me in here because you have four boys and.
Amber Trueblood I don't like.
Ginny Yurich To cook. Yes. How do you manage?
Amber Trueblood They're starving. They're so skinny. No, I'm just kidding. They are skinny. But that's like genetics for my husband. You know, my husband and I trade off and now they're old enough. They can I mean, like I do spend a lot of time in the kitchen. Mm hmm. I just don't like it. And so what I do is I add other things to my life that really fill me up so that the time I spend in the kitchen doing things that aren't my favorite don't build up into resentments. Sure, sure. Because I'm feeding myself in other places.
Ginny Yurich Yeah. Okay. So let me ask you a question. As a family therapist, as a therapist, a marriage therapist and family therapist, do you feel that moms have always been fostered or do you think it's a newer thing?
Ginny Yurich Oh, that's a good question.
Amber Trueblood I would say the sources of fluster meant I'm making up that word have changed as the expectations have changed. I think it really depends community to community. So like in some areas, some cultures and some geographic areas, being a mom is still a much more communal activity and responsibility. And in those areas I would hypothesize I don't know this for sure. I'm guessing you feel more supported. You have, you know, like so if you like cooking and we're all communal, we're in a tribe together or we're culturally in an environment where we can say, Oh my gosh, okay, Jenny, you take care.
Ginny Yurich Of the cooking.
Amber Trueblood I'll wrangle the kids or, you know, I'll clean up and you do this and we can share, right our best resources and what we love and we can show up which betters everybody involved. And it's going to make like a much more beautiful result. So the more isolated we've become as mothers, I think has not served us emotionally or physically or physiologically.
Ginny Yurich At all.
Ginny Yurich Because there are people that love to cook.
Amber Trueblood Yes, bring it.
Ginny Yurich That is a thing that would bring them the most joy and that they would have other needs that someone else could fill. And even just to have all the kids around, I think takes the pressure off. Being a parent, if you live in a spot where there's a lot of kids around, then the kids are naturally going to go play and then you've got a little bit more space to breathe. Talk to me about the fundamental needs because yeah, you brought that up at the beginning and that's something that I relate to too. And then you talked about fast forward ten years and in ten years it does get better in ten years, the faster changes. But I think it's a better, faster. Like if I had to choose one over the other, I'm choosing the one where the kids are like, I want to go here. My friend invited me to this. Can you take me to this? I need that my choose any basketball. She's like, This is busy. Yeah, but I also I slept last night through the night and didn't wake up four times to nurse a baby and no one threw up. And I'm not nervous about health as much. You know, I think in that first year your every little thing, the rash there, it's nerve wracking and there's a lot you don't know when you're trying to figure it out, that kid's personality. So what fundamental needs do moms need to make sure that they fill in? What are some practical ways to do that?
Amber Trueblood Oh, my gosh. Well, you've got to sleep well, eat well and connect with other women. I would say hands down, those are the three must-haves. And easier said than done. Right? Like, okay, great, how do I do that? And part of it is physiological. Like I talk about that a lot. And in one of the early chapters of this book is that transition into motherhood. And when you're. Pregnant. Meeting your needs physiologically automatically meets the needs of the baby in your belly. So it's great. Like, you know, like you eating healthy house, baby, you're do it like it's two for one bonus, you know? And then as soon as the baby is outside of your body, all of a sudden your needs most of the time end up competing with the baby's needs. So when you're feeding the baby, you're not sleeping. Right? Sometimes. I mean, like we've all followed.
Ginny Yurich The baby, right? Right.
Ginny Yurich I'm sure. No, but that is an interesting way to put it. I think that when our kids are really little, I think that it has to do with you're sort of scraping for, you know, like in this survival mode for those three things, sleep, food and connection. And it looks imperfect. But I think that even imperfect connection, you know, where you're having a conversation that's interrupted every 16 seconds and that really is how it is. You're not finishing thoughts, you're not texting back. It's an imperfect connection, but it still is a connection that holds you and you do it anyway. Yeah. Even though it doesn't look like how it did before. You have kids where you go out with your girlfriend to lunch for 2 hours now, it's like a hectic mess, you know, We did easy things like if you, you know, we did those salads in a jar, and if I could throw that mason jar salad in my bag, we're going to go on a picnic and I can dump that out on a plate. I mean, I felt like an adult. I felt, like, so amazing. And sometimes you can make those types of things ahead of time so that they're just kind of grab and go. But those are hard things.
Amber Trueblood It's about making it as easy as possible for you to get sleep as easy as possible. So this is not about like, oh, forcing yourself because that's not going to happen. So there are things that moms will do at night when it is finally quiet instead of going to sleep. So what are you doing instead of going to sleep? And what are you doing leading up to sleep? And I don't want to take those away from you because there's a reason you're doing those things. Oh, my God. I finally have the house to myself. I want to clean or I want to just veg out and watch Netflix or I want to sit in the bathtub or whatever it is. There are reasons you're getting something out of that. Okay? Right. So, you know, one of the things I did with one of my private clients, she had this thing where she she was you know, her kids were a little bit older, but one of them was still coming into her bed at like four, five, four or five every morning. And she would stay up till 11 or 12 because it was her only time to, like, write in her journal and like, have some downtime and just will collect her thoughts. And that was really important to her. So I said, I do not want to take that away from you. Let's see where else in your day and in your week you can get that. You can get that journal writing. So she said, Well, you know, my kids have swim lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I normally just sit in the car or I talk on the phone or I'm on social media. So she moved some of her journal writing time during the day when she was alone, and she was better able to orchestrate that and still feel like she had that enough quiet to do it, and then that she was able to put her bedtime more at like 1030 instead of 1130 or midnight.
Ginny Yurich AM Yeah, and that would change things.
Amber Trueblood Yeah. Also, you know what you're doing those 20 minutes, so I'll just give a point for each one like what you're doing 20 minutes before bed. Really? Really. Just ask yourself. Nobody's judging you, and I don't want you to judge yourself, but ask yourself, is what you're doing those last 20 minutes before bed serving and supporting you, getting enough quality sleep during the night. Most people are doing things that are not going to serve them. So all you know, I have a thing called MGM and and it's like it's like what to do? And you can even do it 5 minutes before bed. You don't even have to have a lot of time. But it's about grounding yourself, doing some sort of mindfulness practice. So that might mean a breathing practice, a guided meditation, something to slow your brain and get it in the in the present moment and a gratitude practice. So it could be we're writing it down, saying three things out loud, having like a little gratitude jar. So grounding. And when I say grounding, that means it could be anything where you're touching water, even drinking water, or going outside barefoot in the grass, in the dirt, or breathing fresh air, looking outside at nature. All of these things help your body like reconnect.
Ginny Yurich To.
Amber Trueblood The planet. Right? Right. And the more you're disconnected. So if you're in a big city or you live in an apartment complex or you work all day inside and you really don't spent, that's going to be the more important right to connect with nature. So ground yourself somewhere in nature or just get in the shower or the bath, touch water or earth and do some sort of short break, be a three minute guided meditation and then some sort of gratitude if you spend the last 5 to 10 minutes before bed. Doing that consistently, it will start to change the way you sleep to such a degree that you won't. Not only will you not have to force yourself to do it, but on the days that you miss it, you'll be like, Dang it, I didn't do it and I didn't sleep well. And I see the connection right away. And tonight, you better bet I'm going to put that phone down 10 minutes ahead of time. I'm going to do this because I so crave sleep.
Ginny Yurich Mm hmm.
Ginny Yurich Yeah. And so then we get into those spots where we're out of that fundamental need, out of that survival period. And it may take a long time. And I think that when you're in it, sometimes you think I can't even make it another week, let alone ten years. Right. But the time does come and things change and you sort of find yourself in a different position where sleep, if food and connection is not quite so hard to get. But we find that moms are still flustered. And so you go through these five different styles. That's right. Word five different fluster styles that are common that a parent could experience. So could you explain their anxiety styles? I think maybe you call them. Could you explain how you landed there? How did you come up with these five different ones?
Amber Trueblood Okay. Well, it was early. That was like March of 2020. And there was a lot of anxiety in the air, a lot of fear, a lot of frustration. I saw kind of families breaking down. I saw communities breaking down. I saw the planet breaking down. And, you know, really hit me. And I thought, you know, what I see here is a lot of fear. And when people are afraid and anxious, they can't really hear each other and we can't have compassion. It's more challenging to have compassion both for yourself and for other people. So I saw that kind of spiraling out of control in my opinion. And so I thought what what could help us understand ourselves better? Because what I saw a lot of people say is like Ginny, like you and I have known each other for 20 years. I don't understand how we can be facing the same things. And you're reacting like this and I'm reacting like that. And you're saying these words and I'm saying these words like I thought I knew you. Like there was this like, Oh my gosh, Like the rug just got pulled out from underneath me. I don't understand. And so what the the kind of the thought that came to mind was, you know, what if what drives us is, is a little bit different. And that's why we're reacting differently. And maybe if I can understand what's driving you and what's triggering you emotionally different from what's triggering me emotionally, maybe I can have a little bit more compassion and understanding for how you're reacting and for how I'm reacting and not expect everybody to be reacting the same way. And we can have a space. We can open up a space there for some compassion and some communication and move forward instead of apart. So I looked at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which we kind of learned in like Psych 101. And I looked at that and I said, Well, it's not a hierarchy. There's no like, Oh, you're more involved in your anxiety or how you how you're triggered than I am. It's it's just different. So it like kind of applies, but kind of not. And then I looked at the Five Love Languages framework, what's been around for decades now, and how that has really helped people understand, Oh my gosh, like I'd like to give and receive love through physical touch. And you like to give and receive love through words of affirmation. And now that I know that I can give you words of affirmation, you can give me physical touch. And we both feel loved instead of kind of missing the point. And so what if our anxiety and how we are emotionally triggered was the same way? What if we had a little bit more insight and understanding? Could that lead to like a release of this self judgment? Right. And because that doesn't serve any of us and help us form connections and understanding with other people and communicate a little bit more effectively, help us understand because each of these, you know, I call anxiety styles, but that's just the areas of where this core driver is not serving you. There's areas where it is serving you and it's where you flourish, it's where you shine. And so a big part of this framework is also, let's acknowledge where you shine that maybe not everybody else shines.
Ginny Yurich Well, I think what you were talking about earlier was the community aspect, right? That it's like, well, yeah, sure. Everyone each has their things that they struggle with. But then also everyone additionally has a things that they are really competent at. And so if we can come together and learn to deal with the harder things, then we're going to have a fuller life in general because we're bringing together our great assets. Okay, So give us an example. So you have five different ones.
Ginny Yurich So pick one.
Amber Trueblood Okay, So we have the lover, the fighter, the executive, the visionary and the dynamo. Now you read the book, Which one you want to start with?
Ginny Yurich I want to start with what I really liked was I really liked a lot of the quotes in there. So you could tell your reader. Interesting that you said that afterwards. So I'm going to make my choice based on one.
Amber Trueblood Of the quotes. Okay. Oh, I love that.
Ginny Yurich So I liked this quote from Arianna Huffington. My heart is at ease, at least, knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me. And what misses me was never meant for me. So that's part of the visionary one.
Amber Trueblood Nice. Nice. Okay, so visionaries are like you would imagine from the title on this one. It's kind of spot on, really driven by their, I want to say, their need. But like, it comes more viscerally than that. Like this kind of deep urge to make a big impact in the world. This feeling of like I'm really meant for something more. And in our society like that can be seen as kind of like, obnoxious to think or say out loud, right? Like, I know y'all are happy doing what you're doing, but I'm meant for something more. So it's unfortunately an anxiety style. Or the flip side would be your flourish type. That can be tricky if you're not also surrounded by other visionaries who get that. So if you don't have other visionary friends and you're really driven by this urge to feel and feeling like you really are meant for something more, you do have big plans in the world and you may or may not know exactly what they are. So sometimes visionaries can be very frustrated and feel that anxiety when they feel this intense urge to do something big, but they don't know what it is yet or they feel this intense urge. But they're busy with life and they don't have the bandwidth.
Ginny Yurich Sure, sure. They're in there dealing with their fundamental needs. Yeah.
Amber Trueblood Yeah. They don't have the bandwidth and that could be very frustrating. Also, when they see other people doing exactly what they want to be doing, that can be really.
Ginny Yurich Infuriating and.
Amber Trueblood Frustrating. And also when they feel misunderstood, like, what are you talking about? Ginny Like you have this great podcast and you have all these, you know, like you have this fulfilling life. Like, you know, you're so lucky, like, you could do that later or like, Oh yeah, everybody wants to do that. Like, that's not, you know, that's not realistic. Like, and now, you know, whatever. And often these words come from people trying to protect you, thinking that they're being encouraging. But for a visionary, it can feel really like, Wow, you don't get me at all. You don't get me at all. And now I feel cruddy about even wanting something more because everybody around me is not supporting that. Silver Visionaries. A lot of the practical strategies that I include in the book have to do with both, you know, connecting with other visionaries and also how do I begin to enjoy the journey along the way so it doesn't feel like all or nothing. So it doesn't feel like if I'm not taking on the world and changing this one area of the planet, that's really important to me or nothing, you know, like the extremes, how do I enjoy the journey and feel that satisfaction? Like I'm really making progress and that can be tricky. That's kind of each one of these also has a life lesson, I should say. Each one of these anxiety styles in the book I talk about like contributing factors, I talk about emotional triggers, I talk about superhero traits, I talk about specific preventative strategies for stress and anxiety that into that are going to help you maybe more than an executive or a lover or a fighter. Like, what are the strategies that are going to appeal to visionaries to help them in the moment reduce that stress and anxiety?
Ginny Yurich Okay, So this is where this is what I'm really curious about, Amber, because this I mean, this makes a lot of sense. So I would say, tell me I feel like a visionary and that there were times in my life where I felt frustrated because there were things that I wanted to do but couldn't at that stage. And I actually write a really cool quote that said, as a mother, you can do everything, just not all at the same time. And I felt like that was very freeing and just sort of gave me permission to live in the stage that I was in. And I do think that this quote you have in here for the visionary from Arianna Huffington that what was meant for me will never missed me. And what misses me was never meant for me is actually like a really huge statement. So my question, though, is how did you narrow down that? I'm sure that everyone has bits and pieces of all five. Like, how did you come up with these five things?
Amber Trueblood Oh, well, I really I looked at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and I related one to each. That makes sense. But the bottom one, the more fundamental one, which is like, am I basically like, do I have food, shelter, sustenance, that type of thing is less a personality style, more a function of like, where do you live on the planet? What resources do you have and what opportunities do you have? And most of the people, fortunately or unfortunately, that have access to reading books like this are going to have their basic needs met. You know, they're not going to be reading books like the Unflustered Mom. So I was like, Just doesn't feel right. This I am missing something. And then this was, you know, I meditate a lot and. And so a lot of these things come as like little bits of inspiration and downloads. And so it came to me like, well, there's this other personality that I'm seeing a lot of lately that and I'll, I'll go into this now. The fighter that seemed to move toward conflict, that seemed to kind of get excited by it, get ignited by it when there's a bullying situation or an injustice or an unfairness in the world, they go toward it. That's their fuel. That's what fires them up, even though sometimes it's not serving them. They might be exhausted. They might be already fighting a bunch of battles, but for some reason they still seek it. So what's that about? You know? So I started diving into that a little bit. But I fortunately have a good friend who I just saw this morning who who is a fighter. And I know a lot about her. And so I started exploring that a little bit more and came together. It made a lot of sense to me that there would be a personality kind of type that in their childhood had experienced a lot of maybe trauma or difficult challenging situations or chaos and became very adept, so adept at dealing with it that they became their own protector. They kind of identify as survivors. Right. And they wear this badge proudly and rightly so, Like they became they saved themselves, so to speak. And so when they see somebody else that needs saving or needs protecting, they feel very, very compelled to move forward and protect them, which is a beautiful thing and can be exhausting if that's what you're doing all the time. They also tend to be very uncomfortable when all is well, when things are kind of quiet and going smoothly. So there are people and think of it from their side for a moment, like they're thinking, okay, well, I don't know. I don't like this. I'd rather know. I'd rather know what I'm up against because it's going to hit the fan sooner or later. And I'd rather just know they can feel very uncomfortable when things are calm because they've learned that if they let their guard down, they might get hurt by it. They might not be safe, so they'd rather know. So sometimes those are the people that will poke at things. Oh, you're not mad at me yet? Oh, this job seems secure. Now. What about this? Because they'd rather know what they're up against. Now, this is somebody who is not really learned this about themselves yet. So every each one of these has, you know, styles where you're like, Oh, shoot, I do do that. Okay. Other people are like, Yep, I know that about myself. I've been working on that and they've already learned some of the strategies I share with fighters, which is how can you make this decision to add chaos to your life a healthier one? Because you kind of you kind of enjoy that. So maybe you decide you want to sign up for Sprint marathons or you want to like, learn the ukulele or you want to like, travel to places you've never been and you don't know the language. I know a friend in right after we graduated from college, we were on a hike and he said, I think I want to move to Eastern Europe. And I was like, okay, well then you should move to. He moved to Estonia, a country I still don't know that I could find on a map. He didn't speak the language. He lived there for three years, joined the Estonian Men's Choir, traveled all over Europe, thinking like.
Ginny Yurich Yeah, well, just go ahead.
Amber Trueblood Right. He found a way to attract the challenges into his life and make good things come of them instead of so, like kind of a how do I say a less evolved, a better, less self-aware fighter might be somebody who says, why does this always happen to me? Like, I just got the job, This job is going really well, and then my transmission breaks or somebody rear ends me in the car. Like this always happens. Just when things are going well in my relationship, then this thing happens or the relationship goes up. Like, Why does this always happen to me? If you find yourself saying that and always having all of this chaos and conflict around you and you're tired of it, you really, really do want some years and some joy in your life, there are things you can do to kind of retrain your brain to get a little bit more comfortable in the chaos, to make it a more conscious decision and to turn that like propensity towards chaos and challenge into a little bit healthier way. Yeah, right. Instead of it happening to you, you get to choose like because the life of a lover, like what a lover seeks, which is like, you know, connection. I want to feel wanted, I want to feel loved, I want to feel appreciated. I want to feel like people want to spend time with me. Right? And I just want I want us to all be together all the time and just, like, really enjoy each other. A fighter might be like, okay, this is super boring. Or not only boring, but make maybe viscerally uncomfortable, right? So imagine those two as partners. Where can they connect? So both lovers and. Writers also are people who kind of tend to make decisions. They tend to be more in the present moment or in the past than focused on the future, like visionaries and dynamos, which we'll talk about in a moment. So lovers and fighters can connect on those levels. They are very present in the moment. They're very attuned. They watch people, they're observant, they know what you're thinking. They're very connected to other people. They also listen to their gut. They've learned to really like you're saying these things, but it's not jiving. Like this is not the vibe I'm picking up on. Whereas executives and dynamos are we're more in our heads, we're more analytical, we're looking at the facts. We're missing sometimes this other. So there are some fighters aren't necessarily opposites. There are ways that they're very similar, and then there are ways that they're very opposite. So if you know that about yourself and you know, oh, I'm married to a lover and I'm a fighter, okay, So all this chaos I'm bringing in is making them feel very uncomfortable. I need to not I need to, but it will facilitate and help our relationship if I can be more cognizant of that. Right.
Ginny Yurich Right. And then one of the ones that I think that a lot of people struggle with is control perfectionism. So can we slide that one in there to that, to make it fit with the exact.
Amber Trueblood Yeah. We can talk about the executive. Exactly. Exactly. So executives really seek to feel emotionally safe and secure, and they tend to do this through control, through planning, organizing, knowing what's coming ahead, being structured, anticipating so that one of the editors for the Unflustered Mom book told me and she was not a mom. So clearly, if y'all haven't picked up on this yet, you don't have to be a mom for these to apply in your life and help you. Right? It just that's my audience. That's who I talk to mostly. So that's the title of the.
Ginny Yurich Book, right?
Amber Trueblood And actually, we just got Green Light for the Unflustered Family. So that's the next book that'll be coming up.
Ginny Yurich Oh, congrats to you.
Amber Trueblood Congrats. Thank you. Very excited. So what was I saying? Oh, the executive. So she this editor said that she has always carried a first aid kit with her, like in her backpack or in her purse or in her bag. And she's not a mom. And she didn't think that that was odd. She was like, well, I want to have something in case somebody else needs it.
Ginny Yurich How nice.
Amber Trueblood That just seemed very logical to her. And I have four kids and I don't know where a Band-Aid is in my house, you know? So, I mean, now I do, because I think I just bought them at Target, so I kind of know where they are, but I don't carry them with me. You know, that's not my. Now, as many moms on listening are, you're probably very good at organizing things because we've had to learn certain things. So I can I can organize stuff, I can I can get really. But it doesn't fill me up. It doesn't light me up. It's not one of my gifts. And I'd be very happy for other people to organize the things I can do it right, but it's not this visceral urge, so that makes me feel safe. And when I don't have it. So you might know you're an executive if somebody comes to you with really good news, but it messes up your plans and it costs.
Ginny Yurich A lot of anxiety.
Amber Trueblood You know? So if somebody says like, Ginny, oh my gosh, like I just got tickets for this like all weekend event or festival or cabin or whatever, like, well, let's do it. Like throw those gnomes in a bag and let's go like, let's pack up the crossword puzzle and hit the road. And you're like, I have like 15 things scheduled for this weekend. Like, I was going to do this. I committed to this person. Like, even if it's good news, that would cause a lot of anxiety. It might take you a little bit longer to get there. But if I don't know that about you and I'm coming home and I'm a lover and I'm like, Oh my gosh, we get to spend all weekend together like my neighbor just gave us. Like they were going to spend the weekend at their beach house and they can't use it now. Like we get. Oh, my gosh. Like, so for me as a lover, that would be the best possible news. And so if I come home to share this with you, so flippin excited and you're like, Whoa, wait a second, Amber. Like, you don't understand. Then I'm like, Oh, Ginny, doesn't she just want to spend time with me to never care? She rather go do all these things?
Ginny Yurich Yeah, it's an interesting thing how these parts of us that we probably really identify with and really would celebrate like someone that's good at relationships. They'll love her. We're really sad, right? That that person is good at building connection or someone who is a visionary. This is great. Someone who's organized and everyone wants to be friends with someone who's organized and who's planning the different things and someone who's dynamic or someone who's fighting for different causes. It's like, these are all positive things. Yeah, but I can see how in certain situations, because that's your drive, that would cause a lot of anxiety in different ways for different people in. And would it affect someone at all or maybe would be a great thing. And then for another person, it's like, this is the worst thing ever that could happen. So you have to deal with your specific personality and and which one you are. Or a mix of both.
Amber Trueblood So it's like the understanding where you're coming from and then asking yourself, Is this serving me? Yeah, it is. I've developed these skills. Great. Let's acknowledge those, celebrate those. Also, remember that not everybody can do those things, right? So let's not also expect everybody else to be at that same level as you.
Ginny Yurich That's and that's a really good point, too. Yeah, sure it is. Because if you're a visionary, other people may not be it. And it's really interesting. This is, I think what I was trying to get to earlier, and it must be because you are a therapist and you talk to a lot of people, it's hard to know what things are specific to you and what things are universal, right? So if you are an organized person, nothing's, you know, maybe think.
Ginny Yurich Yeah, I guess.
Amber Trueblood Except for our need, our need for sleep. I mean, those fundamental needs to sleep.
Ginny Yurich Eat and connect. Yeah. So it is an interesting thing that other people also aren't they don't, they're not casting a vision or they're not they don't love to be around people or that, you know. So that's of the part about that's really bizarre to me is to be able to sort of nail down what well what one would you say you are?
Amber Trueblood So I'm a dynamo. Dynamos are very driven by their need to achieve. Right. Their need to get feel respected, feel acknowledged for those achievements. So the life lesson I mentioned earlier for a dynamo is we're going to keep achieving because it's fun, right? But there's also this underlying the unhealthy side to that is I'm achieving to get acknowledgment, to get respect so that I feel worthy, so that I feel valuable. So how do I begin to realize and accept and understand that like I'm already valuable, I'm already worthy. Regardless of how many more flippin books I write, I'm going to keep writing books because I love it. But imagine if my next books, each one can be more for writing just from the joy of it and wanting to show up and help others instead of this like kind of compulsion to prove something to what, who, where like the best. And so I have to like. So one of the strategies I use for myself are two but two strategies. One is it's visionaries, not visionaries. Dynamos can be not so great at acknowledging our successes, at giving ourselves credit because we're just immediately on to the next goal, immediately on to the next goal. And so one of the strategies that I use is I have an accountability friend. And on WhatsApp every single night, we've been doing this maybe for six months now. We share three things that we're either proud of, like, Hey, I did this, this is a win, or that we are not grateful for because it's not a gratitude thing. It's it's really just it's acknowledging our wins and some or something that we're proud.
Ginny Yurich Of for you.
Amber Trueblood And so we do that. And I'll tell you how many times I'm like, I don't know, there wasn't anything. You know, I can't think of anything now. I'll take a moment and think of like five amazing things that happened that day. It's just it's it's rewiring my brain to slow down and acknowledge what I just did. And with that comes natural. Like gratitude comes up afterwards, which is really nice, you know, because I'm like, Oh, that was amazing. Like, that was really cool that that happened. Like, Oh my God, It's like, I'm that was amazing. So that is part of it. The second part of it is really asking myself, like, you know, I would love to have a New York Times bestseller. I'm asking myself, where is that coming from? Is that coming from ego? Like, do I? And that's okay. Like, I don't have to judge myself for that, but I want to I want to know where it's coming from, right? Like, is it coming? Because that means that I have helped. I think I just looked it up the other day. It's m there's like kind of a hidden magical formula to it, but essentially you at least have to sell 5000 books in one week's time.
Ginny Yurich Mm hmm.
Amber Trueblood And so I'm like, Is that because that would mean I'm helping at least 5000 people in one week? Or is it just the ego of being able to say, I'm a New York Times bestseller or hoping that people will treat me differently or think about me differently? Or maybe people will think I'm smart. I want people to think I'm smart. So and that's like a that's a vulnerability I have. Well, who cares? You know what I mean? Like, But that's tough, right? That's tough to really get to. So each of these has kind of a lifelong lesson. Same thing with lovers is lots of times lovers can their feelings of self-worth and self value can go up and down depending on their perceptions of how other people feel about them. You can't control that. Right. Right. So today you feel great because you got calls from your best friends and people reached out to you and you got invited for a weekend somewhere. And then tomorrow it plummets because somebody ignored you at drop off that you thought was your friend or you saw on social media that some people went out for four drinks after work and they didn't invite you and you're just spiraling. Oh, my gosh, they don't like me. They must be pretending. Or maybe I said something that, you know, that hurt one of their, you know, and you just spiral. So how do I move that to getting to a place where my feelings of self-worth are not dependent on not even what you think of me, but what I think you think about me. Because I don't really know. Probably you're not waving at me. Had nothing to do with me but for lovers. Oh, that's a hard pill to swallow.
Ginny Yurich Yeah, And not accomplishments either. For the dynamics, accomplishments, or accolades. I liked the quote for this one said, What I found is that when I focus on managing my energy instead of managing my time, I end up having enough time for the things that really matter to me. So if you have a bent toward chasing accolades that could eat up a lot of your time, and then that would cause a lot of anxiety because as a mom, we don't have a lot of time for extra time. And so that's a tricky thing. And so, yeah, these quotes in here are so fantastic. They really give even an additional picture as to what the struggle is and what are some solutions. And one of the things that you talk about is the cash upon a tree.
Amber Trueblood Yes, that's right. I saw one of those.
Ginny Yurich You did very well.
Amber Trueblood Yeah. We were in Belize and I was I was talking to my my editor about this and I was like, well, there's this tree and it has, like, these stilt roots and it like, walks. And we were like, Oh, we can use that. Like we can talk about that. So I got really excited about it. But yeah, I saw one.
Ginny Yurich I can't believe you saw one. Tell us how that.
Amber Trueblood Applies.
Ginny Yurich Imagery. Yeah.
Amber Trueblood Okay. So, you know, I was talking about, like, us as trees and, like, our beliefs, you know, really are what feed us. And those can be some people say like, you know, impossible to to change, right? Because there are roots. And so there is a tree in the Amazon called the cash upon a tree that literally is they also call it like the walking tree, because what it will do is it's in unhealthy soil and the you know, the correlate for it to that would be obviously if we have unhealthy beliefs about ourselves, then we can change those. And it's happens little by little. So with this tree as it will, they call it, throw roots out to healthier soil, maybe to the left or the right or up here, north or south. And if it feels, oh, this is healthier soil, it will let the roots to the other side die off and continue to throw out new roots in the attempt to get to healthier and healthier soil. And we can do that with our beliefs. But really, the first part of any any really any change to the positive is self awareness. And sometimes with beliefs. I call these baloney beliefs in my first book and stretch marks is sometimes just bringing them to the surface. And I was telling my son this the other day, Have you heard the story of the the mom that when she makes a roast, she cuts off the sides of the roast before cooking it?
Ginny Yurich A cooking story.
Amber Trueblood Yeah, I know, right? Weird. And the son is like, why do you cut off the sides of the roast before you cook it? And she's like, I don't know. My mom always did that. And so she's like, Let's let's call. Okay? Calls. Her mom asked her the mom is cause like, I don't know, like grandma used to always do that. So they call Grandma. Grandma, why did you why do you cut off the sides? Why did we cut off the sides of the roast again before we cook it? And she was like, what? Because my pan was too small. So sometimes we do things and we're like, Oh.
Ginny Yurich Well, that's silly. I guess we don't.
Amber Trueblood Know, right? And that ends up roasting like, the best, right? And so you're missing out sometimes on the best things for reasons you don't even understand, but you're not going to have to retrain yourself now to not cut off the end of the roast because you've lifted that. You've you've uncovered the source of it. And it's so obviously not a reason you want to keep doing it that you just stop. So some beliefs are so simple because they're out of your awareness and as soon as you like. So some things that we do became habits or beliefs because they served us at a certain point in our life. So like with executives, even this need to feel safe in your environment by planning and controlling. Maybe you are safe now, like maybe your life is really safe and stable right now. And those habits that you developed really took you through a difficult time in your life or in your childhood or in your teen years because you needed them. You needed that sense of normalcy and safe. Because, you know, you were moving every two months or your parents had a lot of chaos or you were fighting and divorces and moving schools or whatever it was made you. So you developed these skills to really help you through that. But maybe your life now is quite stable and safe. And once you realize that, you can ask yourself, Oh, maybe I can let down a little bit of release, a little bit of this tension because I don't need it anymore. And so beliefs are like that. Some of them are really baloney beliefs. And as soon as you're aware of where they came from, you're like, Oh, I actually don't need to carry those around with me anymore. They're not serving me. They were and I'm a big fan of acknowledging, not saying, Oh, well, that's stupid of me, but saying, Wow, how amazing is it that I develop these things to help me through a really important period of my life? Like, you know, I feel like women with body image, this is a really big thing we get. We're so harsh. I look at this and look at this. We look at the one thing out of a hundred that's not functioning well or functioning how we like it. We focus all our energy on that. Instead of saying like, I'm so grateful, like I have eyes that work, I have lungs that work right now that my back isn't hurting me anymore. Man, that used to cause me a lot like my back actually feels really good now. It's hard to focus, focus on the good things, right? And then for the things that aren't functioning well, like, let's have some gratitude toward all the body parts that are working.
Ginny Yurich Really.
Amber Trueblood Well. This seems basic, but I really do think that the world around us responds to what you focus on. And if you focus on what isn't working, that tends to show up more loudly in your life in the future. Yeah. So if you say like, Oh my gosh, like my body has been amazing, let me before I beat it up and like, shame it, maybe I should hold some gratitude for all the things it's doing really well for me. Because as soon as one of those starts to go, I'm going to miss it.
Ginny Yurich Right right there.
Amber Trueblood And be said.
Ginny Yurich Yeah, I love this quote that just came from a podcast you said where someone said you have survived every single thing that has happened to you this far in your life. Yeah, and that's a great one, right? I mean, that's a good reminder. Here you are, like you made it through. You made it through these hard times.
Amber Trueblood There's nothing you haven't survived yet because you are listening to a podcast.
Ginny Yurich You're right.
Ginny Yurich It's an important reminder. So this book, the foster Mom and you sort of hinted at the Unflustered family coming out in the future at some point just came out so huge. Congrats to you. And it's just a great way to understand yourself better and to try and bridge those gaps between really these parts of you that are very unique and dynamic but can also cause issues, especially in these busy seasons. And when we have, you know, we feel stressed. You talk about legitimate and legitimate threats and we're tired and exhausted and struggling in certain ways. And so just a fantastic read and lots to learn so people can find you at Amber Trueblood dot com where there's different bonuses, there's always fun bonuses and things like that.
Amber Trueblood I love meditation events, so I put together some guided meditations and some guided mantras that are specific to each anxiety style. So if you take the quiz that's at flourish quizzical, or you go to my website, it's all there. Take the quiz and go to my website and put like, Oh, I'm a visionary and your email address, and then I'll send you a guided meditation for that anxiety style. And there's sleep tips. I have like top nine sleep tips that are very simple and you don't have to do all nine of them, like pick one and add that yeah, for a couple of weeks, then pick another one and add that please don't try to do them all at once unless you're a fighter. And that sounds fun to you.
Ginny Yurich Yes. Amber at UVA dot com people can find information there and on social media artificial Amber Trueblood and then you have the unflustered mom community on Facebook which is super fun because I think we all want to be a little less flustered. So a great place to go and find support. But the book that I'm foster mom is out now. People could check that out.
Amber Trueblood Oh, it's on Audible, too, if you prefer to listen to books.
Ginny Yurich And a lot of people always ask that they really like audiobooks, so that's great. Listen to all your walking or something like that. So also on Audible Amber, we always end with the same question. The question is what's a favorite memory from your childhood that was outside.
Ginny Yurich Oh, okay.
Amber Trueblood Favorite memory from my childhood. It was outside. Okay. I would say I had this little red bike like super candy, apple red like the banana seat bike with, like, sparkles in it. And it was like the fastest bike in the neighborhood. So all the neighborhood kids liked biking. And so we would like bike down the street, Cunningham Drive and then like, skid, you know, and see how long you can make the skid marks. That was probably my favorite memory.
Ginny Yurich And I think that something a dynamo would say, right, that you had the fastest bike in the neighborhood.
Ginny Yurich Oh God, everything's a competition. I love.
Ginny Yurich It. But there is. Super fun. Well, Amber, I really appreciate this. I know this is going to help a lot of moms, I think. You know, we definitely feel a lot of pressure and there can be a lot of. Foster And interesting how a lot of times it actually relates to the things that we're really good at. Yes, those things go hand in hand. And I think that's eye opening to realize and to just be aware of and and then to find strategies to help. So I really appreciate your time. Thanks for being here.
Amber Trueblood So much, Ginny. This was really fun. And I do have to I have to say, like you're the first I've done of maybe 50. I've done been doing this podcast tour, so like 50 ish or so podcasts about the book, and you're the first person that has picked up on the quotes and really like, leaned in there, which is really cool to me. So thank you. That was fun.
Ginny Yurich Thank you so much and congrats. Huge. Congrats on here's the accolades. Here comes you guys. Congrats on book number two. And so cool to hear that. Number three is already in the works in the beginning stages, so I'm sure we'll keep in touch.
Amber Trueblood All right. Sounds good. Ginny, Have a great day.
Ginny Yurich You, too.
