When You Can’t Regularly Date Your Spouse
Date night. It's all the rage. Unless you can't do it.
Though many promote date night as one of the best ways to strengthen a marriage, one quick look through history throws that concept right out the window. In prairie days there were no movie theaters, bookstores, bowling alleys, or Olive Gardens. Were marriages disintegrating back then? I'm sure some were but not as much as they are today. Thousands of years of history prove that date nights are not a prerequisite for a healthy marriage. Some may argue that times are more stressful but I would argue that the stressors are just different. There were significant struggles our ancestors faced and there are significant struggles today. Marriage and family life was hard work in the 1600s and marriage and family life is hard work today.
Parents who are wrestling with the pressure to date your spouse, don't despair! There are a considerable number of understandable reasons why parents might not be able to squeeze in a weekly (or even monthly) date night. Cost is certainly one factor. Many families are isolated without good childcare options making the combined price of childcare and a night out prohibitive. Even if the funds are there, a family may not want to allocate such a large chunk of finances to something that isn't completely necessary. Beyond money, babysitter situations are common. Quite possibly there are no safe or reliable sitters options. Finally, there is the significant matter of the sweet child. Some children due to differing disabilities might not be able to stay with another person, no matter how competent. Other children are more sensitive or attached and will cry hysterically when mama is away (this was our case). Often it takes years to grow out of this stage. My husband and I have a strong marriage and have at times gone an entire year without a designated date night. We have chosen to put the needs of our children ahead of the societal pressure to go out for an evening. We haven't regretted it and we have found other avenues that foster (better) connection.
In our lengthy season of childrearing (we are just over a decade in to having lots of small children) we have turned to... you guessed it: Mother Nature. Time outside is a simple way for parents to have a moment (often many moments) of reprieve from the constant needs of family life. In the great outdoors, mom and dad can easily strengthen their bond, without having to pay for a sitter or an expensive night out. As a society, we desperately need the reminder that we can connect as husband and wife, even with our children around.
Mother Nature - it's literally like having an extra mother around when you go outside. And what's more, its like having a really good extra mother around. Mother Nature is always refreshed and rejuvenated. She doesn't have a mile-long task list and she enjoys engaging and playing with children. Kids are endlessly entertained in the right outdoor space. So if you are in a season where you can't date your spouse, we relate! It's okay! If you need some time for conversation and connection find ways to do it within the family unit. Sit on the back porch around the fire pit while the kids play in the yard. Go on a family hike and enjoy each other's company as the kids dawdle or splash in puddles. Pack up a simple picnic and enjoy some moments together on the picnic blanket while the children play. You can even double or triple "date" by inviting other families along. There are lots of ways to connect as husband and wife, as well as build community, all while keeping families together, saving money, and making some rock solid memories along the way.
The pictures in this post are from my 37th birthday. At the time we had five kids, nine and under. We spent the entire day as a family. There was no date night. There actually wasn't a date night for an entire year during that period of life for us. We have gone 365 days without a night out and we are still standing. It is hard to describe how deeply days like this one have strengthened our marriage. Accomplishing hikes together with young children, experiencing new places together, watching our children together as they engage with the world - I don't think it gets any better. A two hour trek with just the two of us to play mini-golf doesn't even compare. And I would argue that it's not needed, at least not as often as many would claim.
Childhood is short. Maybe if we can't get away from our children all that regularly that's actually a good thing. We only get 940 Saturdays with our children before they move on into the world. This is just a season, and a short one at that. If you're struggling to connect and date nights are hard to come by, remember that Mother Nature is just a step out the front door. You can recalibrate your marriage with your children around. It has worked that way for thousands of years and it still works today.
Psalm 90:12 - Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
